Shame Is Good
To be read in the voice of Gordon Gekko.

Shame Is Good

Is there a feeling more deplored today than shame? The proliferation of concepts like slut-shaming, fat-shaming, etc. suggest that, as a bleeding-heart FDR might have said, “the only thing to be ashamed of is shame itself.”

Shame is painful, so it makes sense that nobody would much like it. In fact, shame is a lot like pain. Do we really want a world without pain? Most of us would last a week before dying a pleasantly horrible death. Just ask the people who literally can’t feel pain. The younger ones have to wear goggles to keep them from blinding themselves. No one really wishes for a world without pain; we wish for a world without things that cause pain.

Shame is social pain. It happens when there’s a disparity between what we are and what we value. In our culture where sincerity is the primary virtue, the sanctity of being “who you are” is drilled into us from birth with movie after heartwarming movie. The entire artistic momentum of our culture tells us to shoot the messenger. Because after all, you can’t change who you are.

This is, of course, a lie. Even in its weaker form, claiming that even if you can, it violates your integrity somehow. The feeling of shame, since it stems from some value, is strong prima facie evidence that that aspect or habit is worth changing. But when your values and your habits conflict, it’s easier to call your habits “identity” and change your values to match. Not only have you regained your authenticity; you can even skip ever feeling regret!

The crusade against shame is, unfortunately, also political. The battleground of the culture wars has moved from legalization to destigmatization. The jump from “there shouldn’t be a law” to “there shouldn’t be any social stigma” is exactly as wrong, and for exactly the same reasons, as the jump on the opposite side from “I disagree with it” to “there ought to be a law.” Don’t enthrone the messenger, but don’t shoot him either.

Are there people who are crippled by unnecessary shame? Yes, just as you might take an asprin to get rid of pain you just can’t take care of. Are there people haunted by past shame that they might do well to discard? Yes, and some people have pain in phantom limbs. But of all the inspiring stories about overcoming shame and coming to terms with “who you are”, most of them will have simply found it too inconvenient to change their habit or way of thinking about themselves. And all the better if they can win the accolades of other immature people with an inspiring story of overcoming shame.

Shame, for lack of a better word, is good. Useful, anyway. It allows us to coexist smoothly in society with others, and impels us to self-improvement. The willingness to change one’s habits and identity according to one’s values (and not the other way around) is not merely a sign of maturity; it is maturity. The infantilizing preoccupation with authenticity and identity must break – I say must, because neither individuals nor societies can long flourish without shame.




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  • 1

    Matt Richmond

    Jul 31, 2013 at 15:03 | Reply

    Good post, and good point. The problem is when “shaming” is used as a technique to modify behaviors, systematically. It just doesn’t work that well as a tool. Shaming people for being fat just has a tendency to make people feel ashamed to eat in public, but then they gorge themselves in private. Shame is not evil, but we need to be careful not to delude ourselves into thinking we’re shaming people for their own good–when really we’re doing it because we don’t care for that person/their habits and it makes us feel better to punish them for it.

    • 1.1

      Cameron Harwick

      Jul 31, 2013 at 15:15

      “The problem is when “shaming” is used as a technique to modify behaviors, systematically.” <- That is a good point. Deliberately imposing shame on someone is just as counterproductive as deliberately de-shaming. I suppose the more general point is, it has to be felt organically; when you try to control someone else's shame, either to accentuate or abolish it, it probably won't work out the way you intend.

  • 2


    Jun 18, 2017 at 18:27 | Reply

    My earliest memory is of shame, not a shame imposed from without but felt from within. I think I have always been supersensitive to the feeling that others might be judging me negatively. In fact, I’m quite capable of feeling shame when I believe I have been judged too positively! After a lot of reflection, I no longer think this is a bad thing. My fear of shame keeps me from doing things that go against my conscience. It sure hasn’t made me without flaws or mistakes, but I think it has helped me to be more empathetic and less judgemental of others.

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